Current mood:	pleased
Current music:	Sound of a Laker Victory

The Beauty of a Symphony Orchestra
On a day like this I really get to appreciate the beauty of playing in an orchestra. It's been a tough weekend for me with some bad news from my family. I'm trying hard to keep a positive outlook and keep focus on my work, but throughout the day I am overcome with complete sadness. I don't even know how to express what I feel... when I'm reminded of what's happening back at home, I have no energy but to stare. Especially because the end is never in sight and things continue to go in cycles. It's a horrible state of mind to be in. There's really nothing worse than hopelessness. Watching your loved ones suffer is sometimes more painful than suffering yourself.

Good thing is that my sadness comes and goes, and I try real hard to ignore it as much as I can. But it's easier said than done. The worst thing to do when I'm in this state of mind is to go into a practice room. It is a dangerous place to be... I'm sure musicians can relate. We humans are not designed to be locked up in tiny little white rooms all day. If you think about it, it's a real sick place to be.

The orchestra on the other hand has an opposite effect on me. I feel like the orchestra saved my day tonight. I went into the rehearsal completely down and I came out of it smiling, filled with utter joy.  There's something about a full symphony that moves me greatly. I remember my very first orchestra concert. I remember tearing up as a 5th grader looking at the ocean of violins ready to play "hot cross buns". Yes you read that right.

Certain things in life strike a chord within us, for me the orchestra is one of them. It's not something I can describe, though I'm sure I can if I tried. There are many ways to logically reason your way in and out of things, but it's always the things you can't explain that gets you... whether it's a piece of music or a girl that you're crazy about, these things just makes sense to your brain... perhaps more on the subconscious level. Everything about a symphony orchestra is beautiful to me, even if the ensemble itself is not exactly world class. It's the most beautiful instrument of ANY kind on this planet. Just the mere fact that each musician trains (often their entire lives) to play their part in this giant organic instrument is very humbling. As a conductor one can't help but respect and admire the musicians' sacrifice to play their "part" as beautifully as they can. It is a beautiful place to be, the podium that is.  It is an honor every time you get to step in front of an orchestra.  And it's even more fun playing IN an orchestra.

We humans are social beings, we have evolved to lean on each other constantly. For me, being around so many people as the focus of attention brings out my best qualities. I thrive on an audience and I'm constantly looking for ways to please them whether it's through making them laugh or listening to what they have to say. Human contact brings us joy and for me the orchestra is the perfect medium to exercise that gift we have, whether I'm on the podium or playing in the violin section. Tonight I felt a lot of love from people around me as always, and there's really nothing more fun than counting, singing, concentrating, messing up, laughing with musicians in a rehearsal. For those of us lucky enough to have had the pleasure of playing in an orchestra, we all know this feeling. Every orchestra I've been part of, I try my best to stir up the best group chemistry possible. I feel that is one of my true gifts.  I really adore and appreciate everyone in the UCSB symphony, they've been so good to me and it's been a blast attempting to play this difficult stuff with them.  Tonight was no different.  They really saved me tonight... they don't know, but I do.   

I rarely tell people what's going on in my mind. And I have no interest in sharing my pain with those around me. It is not my place to give them any ill feelings. The fact of the matter is that most people wouldn't even know what to say or how to react if I were to be truthful to what I'm feeling. I've learned to become an impeccable liar not because I wanted to, but because over the years I've had to ignore my emotions on so many accounts. When you learn to lie to yourself, you can convince others of anything. It doesn't hurt that I have a beautiful command of my facial expressions, which I'm sure will come in handy when I'm conducting more down the road.  I found that if someone's truly interested, they always find their way into my world. I have a close circle of friends that I depend on dearly, and without them I'm sure I would be emotionally wrecked.  One good thing though about being an emotional wreck is that it really allows you to enjoy Mahler, Tchaikovsky and Chopin on a higher level.  You become hyper sensitive to every phrase you hear and you get to juice every emotion out of it.  It's really something to experience pain in music, it's pure ecstasy.  I know that sounds sick, but it's so true.   Whoever came up with this quote really knows what he's talkin' about... Smile, and the world smiles with you; Cry and you cry alone.  I salute you Mr. Unknown!