Ludwig Johannes Wolfgang

my kitchen flooded...

2009-09-20T10:23:49Z

Emotions. They're a delicate thing. It's complex. Confusing. Just what is their purpose? Why do we have emotions?

For the longest time I've tried very hard to ignore my emotions. I've been reprogramming my brain to keep cutting down on listening to my emotions. They're not always your best friend as they're known to cloud one's judgment. Emotions are naturally built to override one's logic and rationality. At least we're born that way, then we move away from them. In a time of difficulty, one's brain becomes more efficient by doing what is necessary instead of giving into what it wants. One of the most difficult things to learn as a human being is to make cold decisions when it is necessary. What you must do sometimes isn't what you want, just like what you want isn't always the best thing for you. Truth is, life is full of off roads and bad cards. For the most of us on this planet, we suffer greatly whether it's through an emotional pain or physical one, perhaps both. As we grow older we learn to become less and less emotional... on the outside. In our culture, we learn to hide ourselves VERY well. We're taught to smile and always reply with a "I'm fine. How are you?". It's a strange phenomenon, yet it makes sense when you think about why we lie to ourselves daily. Giving into one's emotions they say, is a sign of weakness. It's as if we're all secretly trying to become like Spock. In fact he is the perfect example of what we strive to become as human beings. We want to be able to make the BEST possible decision using logic and only logic. Even if it means completely ignoring our emotions. If the humans continue to evolve and advance, the rise of the Vulcans is, at least in my mind, inevitable. We may not end up looking like them, but we will have most of their qualities in every facet of life--especially in the way we use our minds and the way we view life.

As someone who is BEYOND fascinated and moved by the study of the cosmos and everything related to its being (which I guess includes you, me, this computer monitor you're staring at, the whales in the ocean, Hugh Hefner's need to sleep with 20 year olds, the underdeveloped brains of the religious fanatics, the fact that you remember the smell of your mom's cooking from 5th grade... in short, EVERYTHING), I understand that the universe as Carl Sagan puts, is "merely indifferent". When that asteroid finally shows up on Earth to wipe away all its living things, it's not as if the universe is trying to punish us, or has some kind of vendetta against us. When life began on Earth as single celled organisms only to evolve to create us humans, who enjoys eating good food, listening to good music, sleeping with good (or sometimes not good) looking people, and making beautiful poopoo in the bathroom, the universe wasn't out to reward us or give us a lending hand. At least not on purpose. Of course no one is 110% sure of this "indifferent" notion, but this is what our collective brain is telling us. And by brain, I mean the ones working.

So you learn how the stars form. You learn how the stars die. You learn as much as you can about everything in between. And when you do, you realize we're SO connected to the act of the cosmos. In fact, we ARE the cosmos. We come from this stuff and once we're done thinking, we will go back to this stuff. The moment we die, our body disintegrates back into the Earth. Soon or later we will burn inside the sun and be spewed back out into the cosmos. Some of you reading this entry will be floating one day in the middle of the Andromeda, and some of us will still be floating in the Milky Way. Either way, we will be one with the universe as we once were and we still are right at this moment. It is a beautiful cycle. Every part of our body will be used for something down the road. Perhaps some parts of yourself will be part of another living creature in a planet far away from here. It is a possibility. The universe does what it needs to do. It does what it must do. Simply put, it does what it does. The universe, much like "God", works in mysterious ways.

But the cosmos is not like us. These "decisions" are not mere "decisions". They're ripples of a massively complex sets of domino effects started from the supposed "Big Bang". These events are a part the never ending cycle of cause and effect. Perhaps one could argue that OUR decisions are mere domino effects too. And in a sense, they are. But I could DECIDE to ignore the cause and ALTER the effect any time I want. Whereas the cosmos will not stop an asteroid heading for Earth just for shits and giggles. If there's one heading our way with only 5 days away from impact, it WILL hit us. It is not EVIL, it is not the ANTI-CHRIST, it is not sent to us by someONE or someTHING. This act seems cold to us. It seems MEAN and CRUEL to us human beings. We're not used to this word "indifferent" because WE are not indifferent. We feel things. And we feel them HARD. We are SO passionate about our feelings that we often do things that go COMPLETELY against our better judgment. We end lives and we end ourselves because of these feelings. But that is EXACTLY what makes who we are. After so many months and years of trying desperately to ignore my emotions, I've come to realize that my FEELINGS are the BEST part of being who I am. It's the BEST of the BEST of what the universe has to offer. And WE get to have it. A good friend of mine once told me that we are a metaphor for the universe trying to understand itself. If so, then our emotions must be tied down to part of that "understanding".

Feeling the biggest pain can reward us with the ability to feel the biggest victory. The harder you stretch one way, the farther it will fly the other way. The Chinese knew what they were saying when they spoke of the yin and yang. The extremes of emotions and everything in between is what we live for. If we simply made decisions based only on logic and lived our lives by it, our existence would not be any different from that of a plant, a planet, a star, and all the other things in this universe which resembles a rock. We would go about our day doing what we have to do without having the choice to run off from the beaten trail. The greatest adventures in life are experienced when you run off the trail, diving into the unknown. Without imagination, without creativity, without our crazy unrealistic hopes, we would never soar above what is expected of us. It is the greatest gift I feel we have as human beings.

Music is the highest form of expressing this emotion of our's. I feel as though the act of making music then becomes the highest form of existence in this universe. You know what this means? Next time someone asks me "why did you want to become a musician?", I'll have an answer waiting for them. And they'll think I'm nuts. There's nothing I want from life more than people thinking I'm nuts. Seriously, what could be better? Mmm pie...

"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
--Carl Sagan

Oh Silly Update

2009-08-31T08:32:15Z

This is not a "blog" as most people see it. This is my personal diary. Yes, I write what I think. I write about what I experience in life. I share my inner thoughts. I'm honest and I try to be as open as possible. From my point of view, I have nothing to hide. I'm not ashamed of myself and of what I think. Ultimately I write for myself and myself only, as I've kept a diary since 1990. For several years now, I've used the livejournal medium because it is an easy way to keep a personal diary and it stores everything online away from a possible crashing of my hard drives. It also allows me to include photos as part of my diary which is just great. I realize many people have read my past entries and I welcome that mainly because (1) some people enjoy reading what I have to say (2) my life is an open book and I'm happy to share what I write for myself. It is my hope that I will continue to keep a diary of some form until the day I can no longer think. I find great pleasure in reading my old entries. Especially the ones written in Korean from the early 90's. Those are pure GOLD. I'm still the same person--the only difference is that I used to write about what I did each day and now I write about what's on my mind. Oh yea, and they used to call me Kim Do Hoon back in the day. Not Anthony Kim. Fascinating stuff.

It has become evident that my diary is now as good as dead. Looking back at the archives, I see that I wrote one entry in May of 2009. I wrote another in June. This is the first one since then. A lot has happened since June, yet I haven't written a single word about it. I just don't have the inner drive to write anymore. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. If anything, it's the opposite. I feel there is a major change occurring within me and I'm thinking about many different things. But I'm just thinking about them. I have no desire to write them down. Scary thing is, my short term memory has been slipping this past year. Very badly. I'm a little concerned to be honest. I am getting old. Oy...

The summer's been very good. I am generally very content and happy. I am broke as of right now and have no way of paying for my next rent but I am still very happy. I spent a marvelous July in Maine studying with one of the best conducting pedagogues in the world. I met a great number of truly wonderfully gifted human beings while in Maine. I'm glad to have spent my time with these people who I am proud to call friends. It was one of the best experiences of my life both musically and otherwise. I'm at the moment gearing up for the upcoming academic year... mentally preparing myself for the griding schedule and practicing for my two recitals. I've decided to apply for grad conducting programs THIS year. There is no way in hell I'd want to spend another year in Santa Barbara after I finish my first MM. Especially being out of school, with no income. I LOVE Santa Barbara and the people I am surrounded by. But I am very much ready to leave. I've checked out of the piano world awhile ago in my head and I'm excited and anxious to give my all to conducting. I'm going into my seventh year as a Santa Barbarian and it's the longest I've lived in one single place since being born. Second on the list is La Jolla with only 2 years of residency. Seven is a big number to my brain and I can tell she is longing for something new. I want an adventure and I want to conduct. I am SO ready to begin. After seeing who and what I'm against, I'm confident and anxious to begin my journey.

Despite my excitement in moving on from piano and Santa Barbara, I still have one year left and I plan on having the best year yet. I've had pretty rough undergraduate years at UCSB for various reasons, but last year as a graduate student I managed to get all A's with a 3.9+ GPA. I'm very happy with my academic work last year and I intend to keep it that way. I'm planning on taking orchestration starting this fall and more score reading classes even though they are not "required" courses for MM in piano. If it's going to help me become a better musician and conductor, I am all for it. I will continue my work as the music director of the South Coast Reading Orchestra this year as well as continuing my work with the UCSB Symphony. I was told I'll be conducting in each one of the UCSB Symphony concerts this academic year starting with Witch's Ride from Humperdinck's Hansel and Gretel. I'm very much looking forward to it. Recently I was invited to become a guest clinician for a local junior high school orchestra. I don't know yet what the work entails but I am very excited about the opportunity.

First thing I'm going to do when I'm done with UCSB is apply for a staff position at Camp Cherry Valley on Catalina Island. It's a summer camp location for Boy Scouts of America, San Gabriel Valley Council. I spent one of the best weeks of my life at Camp Cherry Valley over a decade ago before I became a first class scout. There I learned to dive for the very first time, I swam half a mile out in the ocean, I swam with the sharks in the open water, I went on war canoe races against Samoans, hiked a bunch, and spent quality time with fellow scouts. If they accept my application I'll be working as a camp counselor, teaching merit badges to boy scouts (hopefully the music merit badge!), teaching scout skills, working as a lifeguard, inspecting docks and campsites, planning and performing skits, running tournaments, races, aqua olympics, etc. It's a 10-week long summer program and each week a new batch of dozen or so boy scout troops come in from all over the country to train and compete against each other. In total there are about 500 new scouts that come through each week. Perhaps even more. I have such fond memories from my boy scout summer camps, from Lost Valley to Cherry Valley to Emerald Bay. I would very much like to work as a camp staff before I get too old and get bogged down with life.

And finally and probably MOST importantly, I'm proud to say my Los Angeles Lakers are the 2009 NBA Champs. It's probably THE reason why I am so happy these days. After what we went through post Shaq-era, this victorious season is UNBELIEVABLY sweet. Kobe finally got his 4th title and Phil Jackson achieved the unthinkable by attaining his 10th--the most ever by an NBA coach. This upcoming season is looking MIGHTY promising with the addition of Ron Artest. Words can't describe how excited I am for the 2009-2010 season.

On that note, I shall end this entry with photos from this summer...

First time in Boston... ran into our hated rivals...

On top of Maine! Hiking Mt. Meguntacook near Camden... with a beautiful view of the Maine coast...

My favorite group of conductors waiting for our buffalo burgers... from L to R: Blair "Sir Bearskin" Skinner from Northwestern, Nico Olarte-Hayes from Harvard, Matt "Chief Medomak" Dell from Yale, and Marcelo "Brazil" Ramos from CIM. They knighted me as "Sir Rocco Kimchi" and that's what everyone called me for 3 weeks while at Medomak. Pure awesomeness.

Conducting Mozart in rehearsal. Sitting up front are Tarn and Yuki from New World Symphony and Etienne, Claudio Abbado's principal violinist with Orchestra Mozart & Lucerne Festival Orchestra. It was pure ecstasy and pleasure making music with these fine musicians.

The REAL maestro is behind me...

A BEAUTIFUL summer day, out on the lake with Sir Bearskin, Chief, and Teddy. What a happy day that was...

Always happy to represent Amoeba wherever I go...

The three "knights" (or "stooges" to be more accurate) with the Maestro, post concert.

Two Harbors in Catalina, where I spent hours snorkeling with octopus and garibaldi... what a BEAUTIFUL spot!

Catalina Philharmonic Symphony tootin' our bottles... we made lots of GREAT music!

A perferct summer day with the aweomest people ever...

'Nuff Said.

Artur Rubinstein, my best friend...

2009-05-11T08:26:30Z

Reaching the end of a book is like saying good bye to a friend... when reading biographies, you feel this by a tenfold. After reading Artur Rubinstein's autobiography, it feels as though I've lost my best friend. Today I read the last pages of this giant two-volume set filled with adventures and passions of Rubinstein's rich life. It must've been well over a thousand pages... I started reading the first volume, My Young Years two summers ago in New York when I was at Bard. I started the second volume, My Many Years soon after but I took a huge break from reading because well, let's just say the second volume isn't as good as the first. Either way I can confidently say that I enjoyed this book more than perhaps any other that I've read in a long long time (outside of Sagan's Cosmos).

Through reading about Rubinstein's life in these pages, I got to experience a world which no longer exist today... staring at these pages was like jumping into a wormhole. It was a portal into an artist's life of the early 1900s. Artur Rubinstein reached stardom in a world which had no television, mass media, or the internet. His view and take on life is SO different from that of our own today... to think that he passed away only a couple decades ago baffles my mind.

I can't say I know of any other human being who lived his life to the fullest the way Rubinstein lived his. His life began so early leaving home to study the piano at such a young age. He was a fearless and passionate person. Above all, you could tell he was an honest man. Reading these pages, I felt as though it was just him and I sitting in a cafe 'til the sun came up talking about the beauties of life... with nothing to hide. How could ONE man experience SO much in one life? Of course I'm sure he made up a huge chunk of these stories, but I could tell "his" truths were not too far from the reality. If anything, his made up stories in many ways hid inside them the wisdom of truth. The tragedies, the comedies, the romances, and the triumphs... they were ALL very real to him. Artur Rubinstein was a true concert pianist in every sense of the word.... he was an artist, a philosopher, an explorer, a "passionate lover of life" as he would put it. If I could live half the life that he led, I would die a happy man.

Next up for me is Berlioz's Memoires... I've already ordered it from Amazon, it should get here any day now!

On that note I'll end this entry with two of my favorite Rubinstein passages...

I took out the belt from my old worn-out robe and fastened it with a knot. My bathroom had a clothes hook which was placed high enough to hold me. I pulled up to a chair, secured the belt on the hook, and put it around my neck. As I pushed the chair away with my foot the belt tore apart and I fell on the floor with a crash.

If I saw today such a scene on television, I would roar with laughter, but in my role as the living hero of this tragicomedy, my first reaction was a severe nervous shock; I cried bitterly, disconsolately, for a long time, lying where I had fallen, with no strength left. Then, half-consciously, I staggered to the piano and cried myself out in music. Music, my beloved music, the dear companion of all my emotions, who can stir us to fight, who can inflame in us love and passion, and who can soothe our pains and bring peace to our hearts--you are the one who, on that ignominious day, brought me back to life.
--From My Young Years

These concerts remind me of a funny little quarrel with Heifetz. He bitterly resented that all the publicity bore the names Rubinstein, Heifetz, Piatigorsky--always in the same order. "Why can't we change it and give each one of us a chance to be the first-named"? said Jashca.
      "I couldn't care less," I answered indifferently, "but as far as I know, all trios are published for piano, violin, and violincello, and it is the tradition to publicize the players in this order."
      Jascha didn't want to give in so soon. "I have seen some trios printed for violin and violincello, accompanied by the piano," he said.
      "They must have been printed by yourself, Jascha."
      "What do you mean?" he said indignantly. "I've really seen them."
      I began to see red. "Jascha," I shouted, "if God played the violin, it would still be printed Rubinstein, God, and Piatigorsky." No reply from Jascha. But we did make records of those three trios and put much work and love into them.
--From My Many Years

The Beauty of a Symphony Orchestra

2009-04-28T08:08:26Z

On a day like this I really get to appreciate the beauty of playing in an orchestra. It's been a tough weekend for me with some bad news from my family. I'm trying hard to keep a positive outlook and keep focus on my work, but throughout the day I am overcome with complete sadness. I don't even know how to express what I feel... when I'm reminded of what's happening back at home, I have no energy but to stare. Especially because the end is never in sight and things continue to go in cycles. It's a horrible state of mind to be in. There's really nothing worse than hopelessness. Watching your loved ones suffer is sometimes more painful than suffering yourself.

Good thing is that my sadness comes and goes, and I try real hard to ignore it as much as I can. But it's easier said than done. The worst thing to do when I'm in this state of mind is to go into a practice room. It is a dangerous place to be... I'm sure musicians can relate. We humans are not designed to be locked up in tiny little white rooms all day. If you think about it, it's a real sick place to be.

The orchestra on the other hand has an opposite effect on me. I feel like the orchestra saved my day tonight. I went into the rehearsal completely down and I came out of it smiling, filled with utter joy. There's something about a full symphony that moves me greatly. I remember my very first orchestra concert. I remember tearing up as a 5th grader looking at the ocean of violins ready to play "hot cross buns". Yes you read that right.

Certain things in life strike a chord within us, for me the orchestra is one of them. It's not something I can describe, though I'm sure I can if I tried. There are many ways to logically reason your way in and out of things, but it's always the things you can't explain that gets you... whether it's a piece of music or a girl that you're crazy about, these things just makes sense to your brain... perhaps more on the subconscious level. Everything about a symphony orchestra is beautiful to me, even if the ensemble itself is not exactly world class. It's the most beautiful instrument of ANY kind on this planet. Just the mere fact that each musician trains (often their entire lives) to play their part in this giant organic instrument is very humbling. As a conductor one can't help but respect and admire the musicians' sacrifice to play their "part" as beautifully as they can. It is a beautiful place to be, the podium that is. It is an honor every time you get to step in front of an orchestra. And it's even more fun playing IN an orchestra.

We humans are social beings, we have evolved to lean on each other constantly. For me, being around so many people as the focus of attention brings out my best qualities. I thrive on an audience and I'm constantly looking for ways to please them whether it's through making them laugh or listening to what they have to say. Human contact brings us joy and for me the orchestra is the perfect medium to exercise that gift we have, whether I'm on the podium or playing in the violin section. Tonight I felt a lot of love from people around me as always, and there's really nothing more fun than counting, singing, concentrating, messing up, laughing with musicians in a rehearsal. For those of us lucky enough to have had the pleasure of playing in an orchestra, we all know this feeling. Every orchestra I've been part of, I try my best to stir up the best group chemistry possible. I feel that is one of my true gifts. I really adore and appreciate everyone in the UCSB symphony, they've been so good to me and it's been a blast attempting to play this difficult stuff with them. Tonight was no different. They really saved me tonight... they don't know, but I do.

I rarely tell people what's going on in my mind. And I have no interest in sharing my pain with those around me. It is not my place to give them any ill feelings. The fact of the matter is that most people wouldn't even know what to say or how to react if I were to be truthful to what I'm feeling. I've learned to become an impeccable liar not because I wanted to, but because over the years I've had to ignore my emotions on so many accounts. When you learn to lie to yourself, you can convince others of anything. It doesn't hurt that I have a beautiful command of my facial expressions, which I'm sure will come in handy when I'm conducting more down the road. I found that if someone's truly interested, they always find their way into my world. I have a close circle of friends that I depend on dearly, and without them I'm sure I would be emotionally wrecked. One good thing though about being an emotional wreck is that it really allows you to enjoy Mahler, Tchaikovsky and Chopin on a higher level. You become hyper sensitive to every phrase you hear and you get to juice every emotion out of it. It's really something to experience pain in music, it's pure ecstasy. I know that sounds sick, but it's so true. Whoever came up with this quote really knows what he's talkin' about... Smile, and the world smiles with you; Cry and you cry alone. I salute you Mr. Unknown!

the unquestioned ANSWER

2009-04-24T10:23:41Z

It's been awhile since I've updated my journal. Not too much has happened in the recent days, it's pretty much the same old routine of waking up in the morning, hunting for food, then going right back to sleep. Well, something like that.

I had my official conducting debut on Monday with the UCSB Symphony Orchestra. I conducted Ives' Unanswered Question and my friend (and roommate) Justin Aftab's Hypothesis, which won the UCSB orchestral composition competition this year. The concert was part of the "Primavera" week which we have at UCSB annually. The Primavera Festival is geared toward the "new" music from the 20/21st centuries. The concert went fairly well considering I only had 3 weeks to rehearse this tricky piece. The work is not tonal at ALL and there is CONSTANT meter change... at least one every other measure. The Hypothesis sounds very much like a work written by Berg, which is not surprising considering Justin listens to Berg in the shower (in the dark mind you) AND before going to bed (usually right before the sun comes up). It was fascinating working with the composer himself... we worked on it together during the spring break going measure by measure, discussing what he wanted and how I would go about rehearsing certain passages. It's interesting to note that I conducted two pieces on this concert and both of their titles essentially have the same meaning; "The Unanswered Question" and "The Hypothesis". I will be conducting Justin's piece once again in the final concert of the year with the UCSB Symphony.

My reading orchestra is getting better and better in every way. Tonight's jam session was especially rewarding for me, as it was for the rest of the musicians. The level of orchestra is going up each time we get together. Tonight we played through Mozart's 40th in G minor and Dvorak's Slavonic Dances, Op. 46. We had a nice turn out in the string section with about 8 in each violin 1 and 2, which is probably the most we've had so far in one session. The winds are getting beefed up as of late. We still need another oboe and a bassoon, but otherwise I'm fairly certain my wind section is the best one in town outside of the professional groups. I have the luxury of having the best wind players from UCSB music department playing as principals in my orchestra. And tonight we had a new principal clarinet, who turned out to be quite excellent. Apparently she has a graduate degree in clarinet performance from Yale of all places, now studying psychology at UCSB. Between our new clarinet, Ray on flute, Eri on Oboe, and Lyndy on Bassoon, I feel quite spoiled as a conductor. I rarely have to tell them much, and when I do, they're able to adapt right on the spot. I'm going to see if we could move our rehearsal space to a bigger hall, possibly one on campus because the orchestra size is nearing 50 at this point. And I'm also considering changing the orchestra name to "Santa Barbara Repertory Orchestra". I am not a fan of the current name, "South Coast Reading Orchestra". Whoever came up with it, SHAME ON YOU.

I had to turn down a student last week and it was my first time saying no to someone. I'm just WAY too busy at this point to take on another. I currently have 10 students that I teach weekly; 3 on violin and 7 on piano. I spend all my energy on Fridays and Sundays teaching and when I'm done, it's not fun practicing in small white rooms. Especially if my students come unprepared and walk into their lessons acting as if nothing is wrong. It's funny though, there is an opposite effect when the student comes prepared and we have a good lesson. I have one extraordinary student who I've been teaching for the last three months. This guy came to me without ever having one single music lesson in his life. After about dozen lessons, he's playing Bach Invention No. 1 up to tempo with NO PROBLEM at all. We're talking about phrasing and playing with the Bach "touch". It's really quite impressive how quickly he is learning. I wished he would have started earlier in his life, he would have been quite a talent. No question about it.

I have an interesting conducting assignment coming up for me next Sunday. I was asked if I would go rehearse the Orchestra da camera at the Colburn School. Of course I said yes, not only because it is a wonderful opportunity, but to conduct an orchestra at the newly built Colburn School would simply be kickass. I have about one week to learn Beethoven's 6th and Wagner's Siegfried Idyll. It would be great if I could do this more often, perhaps down the road, it could lead to me conducting the colburn orchestra da camera in a concert? You never know.

p.s. Lakers in 5. Book it!

We're now up and running!

2009-04-10T20:20:06Z

We've been approved by the university and now we're official!

Dead Composers Society on the web:

deadcomposerssociety.beethovenite.com

Thoughts on "eccentric" artists...

2009-02-20T08:46:29Z

People go around saying that artists are "crazy" or "eccentric" and that it's okay because they're "artists". It's probably true that artists tend to be a little more "off" than the others. But I'm not sure that's really the case. Maybe it's the others who are "off". I like to think that there are two kinds of "crazy" artists; the ones who really are crazy with an emotional maturity of a child and the ones who CHOOSE to be crazy, as in the ones who refuse to give into the norms of their society...

I think the nature of becoming an artist almost forces one to see things for what they are. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to say. But something about working with great art (and genius) day in day out, spending all those hours by yourself honing your skills, and throwing yourself in the extremes of this world puts you in a situation where you look at the general public and see a giant army of drones. People are easily swayed--especially the less educated ones--and they tend to go with whatever the rest of the world is doing without really knowing what they're doing. I used to think that the ones who live above petty rules were courageous; to go against the majority in my opinion took bravery, because it meant being finger pointed at, talked about behind one's back, and maybe even becoming ostracized. But I think for those who live by their own rules, it's more about whether they want to live a lie or live the way they choose to. So perhaps it's more intelligence than bravery. Because it's hard to do something when you KNOW it's not exactly intelligent whether everyone else is into it or not.

The basic point of being an artist could be argued that he or she is reflecting on those around him including people, places, time, ideas, etc. through the visual, aural, literary, physical, and all other sensual mediums. Over time the artist without realizing can get a strong grasp on who their peers are and what they're all about. Patterns are easily detectable for those who are constantly on a lookout. Artists also tend to be strong willed; without that personality and will, it's hard to continue on this field knowing that the future is rather bleak. The weak ones tend to get weeded out living on their fears rather than overcoming them with hard work and determination. So it's not surprising that artists tend to stand their ground when it comes to "fitting in" or not. The society can choose to keep pointing fingers but I don't think it'll change a thing because to the artists' eyes, most people probably look to them like a bunch of immature neanderthals. I should also mention that being an "artist" doesn't mean that one has to be a musician or a painter or a writer... all things can be art if one can reach such a high level. There are such levels in science, athletics, etc. Soon or later it's not difficult to realize that they're all really the same things.

I also don't believe that this world is a lonely place for an eccentric artist like many people think. Because people tend to attract like minds. Whether it's in the arts or the sciences, the ones who have gone to higher ways of thinking tend to find each other as they swim along the same creeks and roam on the same airways. Though I do think there is a danger in becoming a loner for those who are too proud to play both games. Just because you know better doesn't mean that you can forget and ignore the rest of the world. As a human being, we're obligated (sort of) to live among the general public. I see too many well respected artists who think they're so above everyone that they've become condescending to everything and everyone. While the frustrations are understandable, it certainly doesn't help to have everyone against you. It's definitely a dangerous road to follow... it's one thing to have a grip on what may seem like the reality, but it's another to sever yourself completely from the general public. Rules to both games should be understood inside out and practiced diligently to maximize one's potential.

Last night I skipped the first part of orchestra rehearsal to attended a seminar given by Professor David Gross on string theory, though he spent more time talking about his discoveries with quarks which won him the Nobel Prize. There were only about 40 to 50 of us in a small room and the seminar was quite intense. He covered some things which I had never heard about regarding to the vacuum and also about this mysterious dark matter stuff. Most people were physics majors in the hall and I felt like a total outsider! (it's a wonderful feeling) People kept stopping his lecture to ask questions. At one point he stopped a student and said to everyone that in order to even ask the right questions, it takes an enormous amount of knowledge... years if not decades of study. And the whole point of science is about asking the RIGHT questions. Then he went onto lecture on what it is to be ignorant... in the most fascinating way. Finally people stopped asking stupid questions. Thank god.

I think that just about sums up my point of reaching a higher level in life. I think when artists and intellectuals reach that high peak of their abilities, they find themselves on a different world from the rest of us. Of course it's easy to point our fingers and make fun for the fact that they may act differently from the rest of us. But it's takes insight and appreciation to realize that these people have reached something as human beings that we have not. Rather than dismissing them as crazy eccentric artists, we should strive to understand why they've become who they are. Perhaps along the road we too can find something that will enlighten us in ways we never thought possible.

A Day to Remember...

2009-02-07T06:33:32Z

February 5th, 2009 will be a day to remember.

I finally received my green card from the US government. It took us so many trying years... no one will understand what a relief this is for me. This is a TREMENDOUS news for myself and for my family. I should really be jumping up and down, but it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I wasn't expecting to get it to be honest, especially so soon... this is a rather huge surprise to me.

I've been mentally preparing myself for the worst for the longest time... every single day I'd sit there and imagine what it would be like if I were to get deported... it would have meant possibly throwing away my music career, going back to Korea and joining the military for 3 years. And there's no doubt in my mind they would have sent me to the DMZ to walk on land mines looking for Kim Jong Il taking a stroll in his backyard (DUH). Actually, I don't know what I would have done, but I've wondered from every angle possible. It would have been horrible, that's all I know. It's been quite scary and stressful the last 15 years waiting for this day. I think it will take some time before it finally sinks in that I'm "safe". Technically I was "out of status" for a couple years there, but the letter we received made it so that those years are now "legal" again. WHEW.

I actually got blacklisted by the Korean army last month because I was supposed to report in when I turned 18. And it's been some time since then... I've been running down to the Korean embassy in LA the last couple months trying to figure out what to do. And let me tell ya, it wasn't fun talking to the bitchy ladies trying to tell me I'm screwed. I probably would have been in REALLY bad situation if I had not gotten my permanent residency from the US. I don't even want to know what would have happened to me.

In any case, it's a done deal as far as I know. We have a green card which expires in 2019, and we can apply for U.S. citizenship sometime before the residency expires. This also means my brother can finally apply for medi-cal and other things for his condition... this is a huge huge huge WONDERFUL news. I'm trying to accept the fact that the wait is finally over. But it's hard. This is all very surreal to me. I've had this dark cloud over me for so many godawful years. Not that all my problems are gone, but this lifts SO MUCH weight off of my shoulders, I should really be celebrating like a madman.

It didn't hurt that I also got to witness the greatest regular season Lakers game on the same day. I swear, I almost had a stroke watching Lakers vs. Celtics going into overtime. It was an UNBELIEVABLE game and I couldn't stop shaking. I never scream at the TV anymore (I've seen it ALL, I haven't missed a game since the '95 season) but I did last night. It takes a LOT to get me excited. A-dirty-gritty-hard-earned-1-point-overtime-road-win-vs-Celtics-in-Boston did just that for me last night. That game was something special.

This is my death week of the quarter. I'm running both rehearsals for the UCSB Symphony this week on Monday and Wednesday, then I have the reading orchestra session on Thursday right after. At the moment I'm trying to finish learning Brahms' 2nd symphony for the university orchestra and the the last 2 movements of Beethoven 5 for the reading orchestra as well as the Vaughan Williams' Wasps overture. This is the most conducting assignments I've had in this short period of a time. I've no clue how I'm going to squeeze in my piano repertoire in the next few days. The Barber sonata is NOT a joke. It is by far the most difficult music I've had to learn in a long long time. I think once I learn the notes it will be fun to play... but it is NOT easy trying to grasp the unusual rhythms and harmonies.

I've decided to go ahead and apply to Pierre Monteux School. Now that I have my legal status back I can apply for federal loans again. That means I have to make my audition DVD NOW as well as making audition recordings on BOTH piano AND violin--they want me to play at least 3 standard excerpts for the violin... I've no clue what I'm going to play. This is all due in a week.

I have no idea why I'm here and how it all happened, but I'm grateful for everything that I have at this moment. I would never ever complain to anyone that my life is boring... if anything it is too intense. And I fuckin' love it.

I know exactly how you feel Kob'.

Where is your mama and papa from???

2009-01-31T11:20:48Z

Mama & Papa.

Where does it come from? There must be some kind of an explanation for this. Isn't it fascinating that all cultures and ethnicity we know of share the "Ma" sound for our female mothers and the "Pa" sound for our male fathers?

In Korean, mom is "umma" and dad is "appa". It's been that way for thousands of years, even before any of the foreigners ever came through our motherland. It can't be a coincidence that we all share this similarity... seeing how this seems to be the case throughout the planet.

So I guess I've come to some possibly conclusions. The most plausible answer would be that we all originated from the same spot on Earth, where before we became thousands and millions, someone decided that it would be "mama" and "papa". And as we spread out and kept reproducing, the "M & P" sounds stuck around... and now we have variations of these M & P sounds spread throughout the world.

Another very good possibility is that the M sound in our brain symbolizes the maternal instincts whereas the P sound stand for the masculine protector. And it's the most natural sounds we make as infants, which also makes Ma and Pa sounds some of the first sounds we ever make... therefore it has stuck around oh so naturally through the beauty of evolution...

I'm sure there's a good answer to all this. I just don't know it myself and I've been wondering for awhile now... and so far no one's answered it yet.

Music as a time capsule...

2009-01-25T12:26:08Z

Images and photos bring back memories. Certain smells bring back memories too... and occasionally so does food...

But nothing brings back memories like music.

Especially if you haven't heard the song since the last time you heard it back in the early 90s. I just found an old favorite CD of mine. In fact it was the first CD that I ever purchased. I must've been 8 years old. It's the soundtrack to a Korean show (aka Korean drama) called "The Pilot" from 1993. This favorite show of mine was about a guy who became an airline pilot for the Korean Air and his journey through the training process--but the central focus of the story was on his relationship with his love interest. I don't remember all that much about the show to be honest, but what I do remember is that the show was a huge hit in Korea around 1993. My girlfriend at the time (also in the 3rd grade) and I used to pretend we were the two main characters from the show and we would play silly role playing games at school (well that sounded naughtier than it actually was). Then I would come home and listen to this soundtrack feeling all romantic and cool. Then I became obsessed with wanting to become a pilot for the Korean Air. What a funny concept. Me. An airline pilot.

When I play the music from this soundtrack, I feel rather strange... an eerie feeling comes over me. I feel things that I felt so many years ago as I listened to these sounds. These harmonies and voices... they haven't changed, yet I have. But they bring me back to 1993. It's been over 15 years. That is a long time. For me at least. Somehow though I remember the emotions I felt vividly, the setup in my bedroom, and how I used to play with the buttons on my CD player as I listened to these tracks. Listening to this music is like jumping into a time capsule, reliving myself from 1993. It's actually very sad... remembering yourself from a young age. You remember the kind of innocence you once had, the unflinching hope you had for the bright future, and the kind of love you received from your mom. It's all very different now, nothing is what I had expected... I never in a million years thought I'd be living in a foreign country to begin with.

Before going to see MTT and the San Francisco Symphony tonight, I had a very nice talk with Cornelius in the courthouse lawn, continuing on with our discussion on questions of life and existence. More breakthroughs I had today talking to the wise friend, and through these new realizations, more beauties in life were found. Beauties are found in chaos and struggle, without them, life truly is static. The bigger the hilltop, the bigger the awards are on the other side. Somehow I had forgotten for awhile there... the best part about being human is that we are flawed and therefore we continually strive for perfection, despite realizing that it's impossible to get there. If perfection existed, we wouldn't be here in the first place. Funny that last phrase could mean different things to different people! I also determined (for now) that while we do have "free will", the cost of of the side effects are not worth it. So ultimately, (for most of us at least) we are trapped to do what we are built to do... and there's not much we can do because we can't all the sudden fight against the millions of years of evolution. At some point the bell started ringing and we had to run to the concert hall, but up until then we did have an interesting discussion trying to strip away at the notion that love exists as we humans like to think of it. I have to think more about it before I come to any conclusion. But the idea of "love" is an interesting concept.

Oooobama?

2009-01-24T15:52:18Z

So I just woke up from a SUPER surreal dream hangin' out with President Obama... unfortunately I have to keep this post short because we have studio class in an hour, but DAMN that was amazing. It was as real as the dreams I've had hangin' out with Carl Sagan and Arthur Rubinstein. The president was visiting Santa Barbara for the first time, and somehow he knew all about me and wanted to ask me some questions about the Music Academy of the West, apparently he was trying to help them find a new faculty member for guitar performance. He asked if I had some time, and if so to come talk to him for a bit... I followed him to a local super market where he went to greet everyone. When he was done touring the town, we walked to his car as he asked some more random questions. While we were walking I realized I was kinda far from home, so I asked him if I could get a lift back to my place. He agreed and instead of walking into his new Caddy, he led me into a secret parking lot behind the super market where we ran into his baby. It was a souped-up orange '93 Mustang with racing blue lines and a phat spoiler! It was a WICKED piece of work. Strangely there were no secrete service men or anyone else for that matter. It was just us two in his playboy acquisition from the early 90s. No one could see us though because the windows were mad tinted and there were also only two seats in the car (racing seats too). As we drove back to my place, he talked to me about some RANDOM personal things that I never told him about... but somehow he knew some of my difficulties and he tried consult me, encouraging me to keep fighting on. Before I got out the car he offered me to work for him if I ever decided to try something else besides music. He said he would love for me to work for him at the White House as one of his assistants or as someone who interviews the incoming assistants... I woke up at that moment as I was trying to think of what to say to him. And now I must run to the music building in pouring rain. This is one part of SB I will NOT miss. The godawful Saturday morning studio classes...

Beethovenite: dude i just had a dream hangin out with obama
Beethovenite: shit
Beethovenite: that was amazing
Son of Liszt: lol
Son of Liszt: i had a dream about him too
Beethovenite: really?
Son of Liszt: yeah
Beethovenite: today?
Beethovenite: just now???
Son of Liszt: just woke up from it
Beethovenite: no way!
Beethovenite: r u serious
Son of Liszt: yup
Son of Liszt: we were in the oval office
Son of Liszt: except
Beethovenite: was he driving in an orange 92 mustang?
Son of Liszt: for some reason
Son of Liszt: the oval office was in some crappy basement

I love it when this happens... lately couple of random people I've dreamed about also dreamed about me on the SAME night... creepy times.

The Dead Composers Society

2009-01-22T07:50:57Z

Last week I hosted a "Brahms Pizza Party" for the university orchestra after the Wednesday string sectional. I brought in a DVD of Brahms 2nd symphony (Vienna Phil/Kleiber) as well as a DVD of Mendelssohn Violin Concerto (Chicago/Solti & Chung Kyung Wha) from my library since they were two of the pieces we're working on for the winter concert. We brought in drinks and ordered a load of pizzas for the whole orchestra. We have in our concert hall a large screen that pulls down from the ceiling and a nice projector from the sound room above, so I thought what better way to make use of it than to have a viewing party! On Wednesday night the concert hall turned into a movie theater as we watched Kleiber appear before us on the giant screen. The party was a huge success and when I suggested to some of the musicians that we do this more often, Maxenkoff suggested that we make a club out of it. Then I found out the university will give us $300 a year for funding (aka food) if we do form an official club. (!!!)

Tonight after the orchestra rehearsal, we had a meeting between some of the core members of Team D.O.R.A. to fill out the paperwork to form this mighty awesome club. We decided on the club officers, our mission objectives, our tentative schedule, etc. I am officially the founder and the artistic director of the club, our plans will include not only watching performance DVDs on the giant screen and talking about musicians and orchestras, but also planning group outings to the concerts in the Santa Barbara area, as well as using the club meetings as a performance opportunity for the music majors at UCSB--both solo and chamber groups. Basically it's going to be a classical music nerd's paradise. And I'm going to make sure it becomes JUST that. And check this... the coolest part of the club is the name:

"The Dead Composers Society"

It's such a wicked name I TOTALLY love it... some of the other names suggested were "The Prokofiev Club", "The Beethovenites" (no, i wasn't the one who suggested this one), "The Rites of Spring" (LMAO), and "The Philharmonic Society"... and I think the best name won. :) After we find a faculty sponsor (which we already did) and get the form signed, we submit it to the Associated Students office, and soon enough we will become an official club at UCSB! After I'm long gone from this place, the club will still be here spreading the love of classical music to the entire UCSB community. This is very exciting... I can't wait until we get approved!

Anticipating another wasted summer...

2009-01-20T10:46:46Z

I started working on the application for the Pierre Monteux School this week and I have to say I feel rather helpless. I don't even see the point in applying anymore. I just crunched some numbers, and realistically there's really no hope for me to come up with the money to pay for it all. Tuition is $2500, travel expenses should come to another $1500, food and random expenses will be about $500, buying orchestral scores will cost me another few hundred bucks if not more. So I'm looking at around $4500 total cost for the program if I get in. They do offer limited financial aid, but I'm sure I'll still need to come up with at least $3500... at BEST I'm going to have only $1000 saved up by the time summer starts.

At least I'm not in a situation like last year where I couldn't even pay my summer rent... that was really tough... if I can't somehow come up with the money for the conducting program, this is going to be another wasted summer for me. Last year I got into Medomak, but I couldn't go because of the same god damn reason. I saved as much as I could all year hoping to go somewhere this summer... but with all the unexpected thousands of dollars spent on family and immigration bullshit, here I am looking at another summer in SB. I worked damn hard to save too, and I watched it all go down the drain for things I had no control over. And I haven't even purchased my eye glasses yet (even though everything's a complete blur and I'm dizzy half of the day staring into the distance), not to mention taking care of my wisdom teeth. That shit's gonna cost me and I've been waiting over 2 years now to come up with the money for it. I can take the pain and the crooked teeth if it means saving money to go study at the Pierre Monteux School.

I just hate all the richass spoiled bastards out there who get to go to these things without worrying about a thing. I know dozens of 'em. I met a load of them too at Bard couple summers ago. Just a bunch of stuck up preppy east coast sons of bitches. On top of it all, they sucked. Well, most of them did anyway. Good for them for having a daddy and a mommy to pay for it all. I hope they're fuckin happy.

In the worst case scenario, I've already been chosen to be a staff/mentor at a special summer program at UCSB for gifted high school students from around the country. I'm not sure what it's called, but the professor in charge of the program asked me to work for her if I am here this summer. So that should take care of my rent (hopefully). I'll still be conducting the reading orchestra throughout the summer months as well as teaching my private students... so it won't be as bad as it was last year.

Wait, who am I kidding?

The rep at Pierre Monteux this summer includes Brahms 3, Mahler 5 and Tchaik 5.

*pause*... okay, Let me say that again now that I've changed my pants.

Brahms 3. Mahler 5. Tchaik 5.

Let's be frank here. If I miss out, I'm probably going to become VERY suicidal.

My debut with my first own orchestra...

2009-01-09T11:22:56Z

Well I'm gonna have to say that was a success. It turned out as well as I thought it could have... the veteran members of the orchestra were VERY pleased. Some of them were amazed that I was able to put together a full symphony in such a short period. They were very appreciative of the fact that they were able to play in a full ensemble unlike in the years past. When they hired me as their new conductor, there were only about 12 remaining members. I filled in every hole except the timpani, and today we had almost 40 musicians show up. We were so much bigger than expected that we barely fit in the rehearsal room!

For the first reading session we read through Schubert's Unfinished and Beethoven's 1st Symphony. The orchestra's playing level was far above what I had imagined. We were able to play at performance speed without too much trouble. I am VERY pleased with this ensemble. I have no complaints and the members of the orchestra were SO kind to me. This ensemble is going to force me to pump out repertoire, learning at least 2 symphonies per month on top of my other assignments... and for two full hours, I get quality podium time with a 40-piece ensemble. This is a student conductor's dream.

And yes, I've decided on the layout. And we are now at:

http:// orchestra.beethovenite.com

There's a chamber orchestra that may be forming in the next one month or so... I am handpicking every single musician and I'm confident that it will be the best non-professional chamber orchestra north of Los Angeles. This orchestra will give concerts and we will have regular rehearsals... every single person I've asked to be in the orchestra has said yes so far. Including everyone's favorite music history professor at UCSB! If this works out, I'm going to have no life whatsoever. Before the year's over if everything works out as planned, I'll be conducting 4 orchestras regularly and guest conducting 1 or 2 other orchestras. I seem to get more work done whenever I am busy anyway. So this is good.

The Greatest Dream Ever? Yes.

2009-01-06T20:01:26Z

I had the greatest dream of my life. Just now. It was rather long, and this is one of those dreams I do not want to forget.

The dream had a strange beginning... I was wandering around inside a gigantic building at Indiana University which had red carpets everywhere. The school was ENTIRELY indoor in my dream, the building reminded me of almost Hogwarts-type of architecture... at some point as I wandered around, I ran into the piano practice room part of the building, for some reason I really wanted to get away from it, so I kinda keeled over the rail (I was on the 4th or 5th floor), and jumped. All the sudden I was able to bounce around very high. So for awhile I just bounced around inside the building, then eventually I was able to fly freely. Strange thing is, I had to fall at least 20 ft before I could fly up... so I always had to jump off from a rather high place. While bouncing/flying around, I met this incredibly beautiful girl who also had the same flying abilities as I. We were so amazed by each other's abilties that we decided to hang out.

I realized then I also had the ability to travel back and forth in time! She was so impressed, and I decided to take her to places that she had never been before. We first traveled to a time when human beings did not exist. We flew across the world looking at the most beautiful sights untouched by men... it was breathtaking. When we got bored we went to Asia in about 100 years from now... the metropolitan area was bizarre and also breathtaking. I vividly remember each building I saw as we flew around in this strange 2-seat vehicle. From there we decided to visit an American port sometime in the 1800s, I can't remember exactly where it was but it was a busy port with many bands playing outdoors... there we harassed a bunch of people from the sky dropping things... it was a busy day and we pissed off A LOT of people. As we flew out of this port, we were back in the current time zone somehow. We flew into a McDonalds somewhere up HIGH in a building... we stood behind this old Asian man who was waiting in line to order something. For some reason this lady friend of mine decided to stab the guy in the leg with a ballpoint pen. The old man was FURIOUS! But he couldn't walk very well because of the stabbing. So we ran while he tried to chase us. Eventually he called the building security, and they were after us. Just to screw with them, the girl and I waited by a rail at the edge of the top floor. When the security arrived, they tried to arrest us, at that point we simply jumped over the rail and started flying... everyone watching was shocked and in disbelief. We flew faster and faster away from them enjoying the view from the top.

Before I knew it, we were flying over Disneyland but something was wrong... I realized that each themed area had turned into a REAL thing--as in tomorrowland had real people/aliens and gadgets from the future, the frontierland had people and trains from the old era, toontown had REAL mickey mouse and donald duck walkin around etc. (Just for sake of this story telling let's refer to this lady friend of mine as "Leia" from here on out) Well, Leia was telling me how tired she was and she had not realized where we were... just for shits and giggles I thought it'd be funny if I took her to the haunted mansion to spend the night. She agreed, and we flew down to the front gate. She thought it was a very nice looking building and was glad that I had taken her there. There was nobody in line... in fact no one inside Disneyland thought they were inside some kind of a theme park. People inside the park truly believed that the park was REAL and they BELONGED inside each themed park. When we knocked on the door to the mansion, there were 3 people who invited us in. They were Winona Ryder, Brad Pitt and Meryl Streep. But they were "haunted" so to speak... it looked like they had A LOOOOOOT of makeup on to make themselves look haunted, with blood and gushing puss all over their body. But I'm fairly certain they weren't makeup... anywho, I requested for a night's rest and they agreed. They kept inviting us into a different room where the shape and color would change as we walked through. They tried to scare us and Leia became quite frightened. She asked if we could leave, but it was obvious the trio of haunted Ryder-Pitt-Streep did NOT want to let go of us. I couldn't tell for what reason. I had to maneuver ourselves out of the situation by asking them questions, showing curiosity about the previous rooms we were in, so that we could just walk out the front door.

Eventually we were outside the haunted mansion, and the haunted hosts vehemently demanded that we pay our fees even though we had not spent the night. I reluctantly agreed knowing that I could do whatever I want. They asked me to pay them 10 thousand dollars and a 10 dollar tip. I handed them 20 dollars in cash and RAN to our time traveling vehicle where Leia was waiting for me. When they realized I had given them only 20 dollars they became furious and started chasing after me. When I got inside the vehicle, I started its engines and flew up about 15 ft in the air. The hosts were in SHOCK as they had never seen a flying vehicle that could hover. I looked at them and yelled "LOOK CLOSELY AT THE MONEY I GAVE YOU!", and after 3 seconds, I made it disappear. It was as if I had haunted them by the look on their faces. It was pricess!

We decided to fly away from this strange "REAL" disneyland, and along the way we decided to screw with people by flying over their homes and such... I saw this man sitting outside on his porch smoking a pipe... he was dressed up entirely in a full 1800s outfit with a hat and all. As we flew by, this man and I made direct eye contact about 6 ft away from each other. He did not show any facial expressions, and I was kinda shocked myself that he wasn't scared. Then I realized it was muthafokin Hans Von Bulow that I was looking at. It was as if he didn't care that I was flying over because he had bigger things to worry about... perhaps Richard Wagner was in the room next door sleeping with his wife...

Here's the strange part of the dream... as we flew away from Maestro Bulow's home, I thought to myself, 'Gad I need to check the clock to see if I'm late'. After about couple seconds I stood up and looked at the clock and thought I had to wake up otherwise I was going to be late for my first class. After this realization I realized that I was up... and the dream had ended. WTF?

I Need Your Opinion

2009-01-03T11:57:56Z

I made a simple website for the orchestra... but I can't decide.

I need your opinion.

Which do you prefer?

Layout 1 or Layout 2?

If you were a random community member who happened to be a violinist, which web page would make you want to play in the orchestra?

Which page seems more "inviting"?

Which page looks better overall?

Enough with questions. I need answers. Now. Thanks.

Layout 1: beethovenite.googlepages.com/southcoastreadingorchestra

Layout 2: beethovenite.googlepages.com/southcoastreadingorchestra2

Bernstein's closing player from Kaddish Symphony

2008-12-20T22:30:30Z

We have both grown older, You and I.
And I am not sad, and You must not be sad.
Unfurrow your brow; look tenderly again
At me, at us, at all these children
Of God here in this sacred house.
And we shall look tenderly back to You.
O my Father: Lord of Light:
Beloved Majesty: my Image, my Self!
We are one, after all, You and I;
Together we suffer, together exist.
And forever will recreate each other.
Recreate, recreate each other!
Suffer, and recreate each other!

R.I.P. LENNY

Strange thoughts...

2008-12-16T07:27:11Z

I think it's interesting to note that when I'm making music, my physical pains and illnesses disappear for that brief moment. I can cough endlessly for 24 hours, but when I sit down and launch into a Beethoven sonata, somehow the coughing stops immediately until the piece is over. I've always known this about myself, but the more I read about others musicians, I find this to be the case for almost everyone. And as you might have guessed it, I find this to be quite fascinating...

In the past one year or so I've seriously wondered about what I would have done if I had not gone into music. No, I'm not saying I'm actually thinking about changing my field... though, the truth is I never actually "decided" at any point that I'm going to become a professional musician. It just happened very naturally over many years. I never had to "think" about what I wanted to do... but obviously that wasn't an issue because I was never dissatisfied with studying music, nor am I now. Nonetheless, I find this questioning process to be rather entertaining and perhaps even necessary. It all began when I got heavily into reading Carl Sagan and studying about the universe. I don't have the greatest background in physics, but I think I would have gone full throttle into it--failure or not--had it not been for music.

Another fascination I have is with sharks. I think it would have become boring after awhile, but I would still love to tag along on a boat ride with a scientist to help gather data, even if it means jumping in the water. I have a rather unhealthy obsession with building my own shark cage... I've been watching this show on Animal Planet all day today... called "Whale Wars". This reality show follows a group called the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, which is a 3-vessel fleet that ventures out into the sea to protect ocean animals. Well, I'm totally up for joining their cause. Their organization and leadership is whack. But I think that is something I can help bring to the table. They have the drive, resources and the bodies... it's unfortunate because I find a number of their crew to be completely incompetent. Some of them are borderline pirate wannabes who really should not even be on the ship. I love the ocean, and being outdoors interacting with mother nature is as orgasmic to my brain as listening to a Mahler symphony. Once I finish my graduate degrees and complete the immigration process, I think I would strongly consider joining them, even if it's for just a couple of months.

http://www.seashepherd.org

The 50 Questions to Rule them ALL...

2008-12-12T07:39:27Z

I have never done this on my blog.   When I see other people post these things, I always find it rather pointless and borderline childish. Well I am doing it. So that makes me childish. But it's okay, I kinda knew that already...

1. What year was the best year of your life?
1993. I was 9 years old. I was happy and thoroughly content with life at the moment. I even remember distinct days when I said to myself "This is the best day of my life". I have a near full diary from that year--almost everyday was recorded by my own hands. I'd also say the first half of 2003 was one of the best. The 2nd half of senior year in high school and the following summer was pure adrenalin.

2. One animal or insect that Noah should have left off the ark?
That's horrible. I wouldn't want any animals to be left out. But for some reason I feel strange things in my body when I see a toad. I must've been eaten by a toad in one of my previous lives. I'm convinced.

3. Do you make a wish before blowing out your birthday candles?
I do, and the last 3 or 4 years, they've been the EXACT same wishes.

4. Do you generally open your bills on the day that you receive them?
No. Because I always make my roommates take care of them. I just ask them for a TOTAL at the end of the month.  I rule.

5. How many pillows are on your bed?
Five. I have one for my head, one to hug with my arms, one between my legs, then I have 2 on both sides of my body to protect me. One of them is a 3 ft long pillow and the other one I sometimes use to double up on my head so I can watch movies from my bed. I always need MINIMUM of 3 pillows in general. It stems from my childhood days when I used to build fortresses using all the pillows in the house...

6. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Raspberry OR Strawberry cheesecake graham cracker mix. With real berries in them. Oh gad...

7. What is the most dominate color in your wardrobe?
Black. Easily.

8. Have you ever seen a ghost?
No, but I do think about them almost everyday. Well, I used to at least...

9. How would you rank your top 5 favorite fast food chains?
1 KFC 2 In N Out 3 Chipotle 4 Carl's Jr. 5 fuck the rest

10. Do you have a crush on someone?
Don't I always?  None of them are serious though, nor will I pursue any of them. Mainly because I have issues.

11. Your favorite fictional animal?
Do I look retarded enough to be fascinated by a fictional animal???

12. Have you ever flown first-class?
Yes. A number of times. My ex roommate worked for the airport in Santa Barbara, he would get me first class seats for under 20 dollars. This is not a joke. That was a round trip from SB to JFK in New York.

13. Would you go on a reality show?
Yes. Depends on the show of course. Who wouldn't?  To be yourself and to get paid thousands if not millions for it?  SIGN ME UP!

14. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future?
Absolutely pessimistic, but that comes out of necessity. In reality, for the long term deal, I am hugely optimistic. Why go on living if I wasn't optimistic?

15. Pancakes or waffles?
Waffles. I am not a huge fan of pancakes, and they happen ALL the time. Waffles happen at most, once a year.

16. If you could own a home anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Somewhere along the beautiful coast of Southern California. As long as I can have some space in between my neighbors, that way they don't call the cops on me when I blast Wagner at full throttle.

17. Your favorite Soup of the Day?
Clam chowder. By far.

18. Rank your top 5 Ethnic foods?
1 Korean 2 Indian 3 (tie) Greek & Mexican 5 (tie) Chinese & Japanese

19. Can you recommend a good restaurant in your city?
Flavor of India. EASILY. Which we affectionately call "Flavor of Ass".

20. You go to the zoo; What is the one animal that you want to see?
I don't believe in zoos. It's a horrible place. I don't see how it's any different from visiting a state prison. Except in case of the zoo, the animals behind the bars are actually innocent... I do however enjoy aquariums. I love watching sharks. I have a strange love affair with them.

21. Potatoes, rice, or pasta; Which is your favorite?
What do you think... can you see my pupils? There's your answer.

22. What is the best movie that you’ve seen this year?
A few... Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring by Kim Ki Duk... No Country for Old Men... and... Bananas by Woody Allen

23. One of your favorite books when you were a child?
Oh gad. So many. I read much more when I was a child than I do now. But they were all in Korean. I lost interest in reading when it became SERIOUS work after moving to the states. Having said that my first book I ever enjoyed reading in English was Danny, the Champion of the world by Roald Dahl.

24. What in your life are you most grateful for?
Our brain and its mysterious abilities to understand the universe one puzzle at a time... and of course, Mozart.   Oh yea and food. And the army of close friends I've had over the years--especially the ones that my mind has connected with in the purest and deepest ways.

25. You are home alone and use the bathroom; do you close the door?
If I'm taking a dump. YES. I don't want to smell that shit later when I'm eatin... but if I'm takin' a piss, no not really. Shower too I'll close the door because I don't like humidity.

26. If you could learn to play any instrument, what would it be?
Easy choice for me really. I would learn to play the cello and the french horn. I'm not angry that I played the piano and the violin. But I think the sound of cello and horn suits me better...

27. Salty snacks or sweet treats?
Sweet treats... I love the word treat. Especially when Asian girls say it out loud. I find it irresistibly sexy.

28. Are you usually a little early, a little late, or right on time?
a little late by nature, though i've been incredibly early lately.   Wait a sec... what kind of "early" are we talkin' about here???

29. What is the most daring thing that you have ever done?
I spent about 300 bucks to buy a matching necklace and earring set... I gave it to this girl and told her I wanted her. She then called her uncle in Ukraine and spoke to him in Russian for over 30 minutes. IN FRONT OF ME. This is not an exaggeration. I was naive and stupid. I guess this answer also works for "what is the stupidest thing you have ever done?"

30. Have you ever met someone famous? If yes, name one.
I don't care for famous people unless they've done something truly transcending... but I have had dinner right next to Dave Chapelle once...

31. What was one of your favorite games as a child?
My mom and I used to play this game called "Bubble Bubble" on a Japanese gaming console called "Family". We used to spend all night playing it... when I was 7.

32. At what age have you looked your best?
It all went downhill when I came to the U.S... I got fatter and uglier each year. It's okay though. I don't care about my looks anymore. I just want to be healthy. I'm convinced that I'll be hot again when I'm old. I want all white hair so I can look like a badass Asian maestro with a full beard.

33. What quality in a person upsets you?
I can't stand it when people are dishonest to themselves. Because that only translates into them being dishonest to the people around them. It's really easy to pick out people who are phony and "nice". I can't stand people who smile all the time and the world is the greatest place ever. Not because I'm jealous and envious, but because they've no clue what they're smiling about. I also can't stand people who ask for advice but can't take them. I can't stand people who study music to become artists, yet they have no interest in music in actuality. I don't see how you practice everyday to become a "concert pianist" only to go home and listen to Jay Z for hours without even being able to recognize the theme to Beethoven's 7th. Then to make fun people who actually do know the 7th. WTF? What kind of bullshit is that?  It's both sad and pathetic. I also see right through people who are manipulative, especially the innocent ones who get what they want over time and give nothing in return. They're the worst kind because they're so oblivious! And lastly I hate the judgmental people. People who think they're better than everyone else and talk badly about them. Just like I am doing right now. I judge harshly and ruthlessly and I think that is one of my worst qualities.

34. What was the first music that you ever bought?
In 1992, there was this rapper named Seo Tae-Ji in Korea... actually he was the first rapper in Korea... like EVER. I listened to him ALL day everyday for a few months and rapped along like a pro. All the adults who heard me thought I was crazy.

In terms of classical music, I guess the first recording I bought myself would be Mahler 5 with Bernstein and the Vienna Phil. I bought it after hearing the piece at Dorothy Chandler. I remember walking up to those old tower record stands at the music center... asking mom for money... then I went home and listened to it for the next 2 years not knowing what I was listening to. Then one day I realized it was the greatest piece of music ever written.

35. If you could change one thing about your family life when you were a child, what would it be?
Absolutely nothing. I was lucky to have the perfect family life as a child. It's the stuff that happened after my childhood that aches my heart.

36. What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments?
My kimchi chigae and denjang chigae. For a moment there I was tempted to say rice... but in all seriousness, several of my Korean friends have told me I make these stews better than their moms.

37. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news?
CNN is on my TV pretty much ALL day... everyone's biased and controlled by corporations. Might as well go with the best video/audio quality.

38. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them?
Many. Because I'm fortunate to have amazing people around me. In fact, I am going to tell a couple of my friends this Christmas how much I love them and appreciate them. I can't wait to tell them.

39. Who recieved your first kiss?
Holy shit. This is the worst question ever. Can you guess why?

40. The single most important quality in a mate?
I would imagine that it would have to be Intelligence above all. Because that is the basis for complete understanding, emotional maturity, and creative imagination... and without the three, what's the point of being in a relationship? Though I find myself falling for people I never thought I'd fall for... either way, intelligence is sexy and having a good taste in general is very attractive. Really in the end, who cares if you want 'em without knowing why? Right?

41. What do you value most in a relationship?
I've never been in one so I don't know why I'm even answering these questions. I would assume it's the free sex. Though, I guess looking at the big picture, they're never free... haha i keed i keed... well, sort of....

All relationships carry value in the same pockets. I think having mutual respect and finding balance of love between each other is extremely important. If one loves more than the other, then the balance is thrown off... ultimately being able to communicate freely and openly is the best problem solver in all sorts of relationships. It's the fear that drives us to make the stupid mistakes and do things we don't mean. Fear tend to come from the unknown, so I would imagine good communication is the most valuable thing in a relationship.

42. Do you believe that you have a soulmate? If yes, have you already met?
What kind of a retarded question is this. It's possible to have such things as instant attraction or unbelievable compatibility... but believing in a soul mate is like believing in unicorns or that pizzas are better with crack. Huh.

43. Do you consider yourself well organized?
Yes. But all in my head. I trust it and it has done fairly well for me. I am disgustingly well organized though, when it comes to my music library. Several of my close friends have creamed their pants from the sheer beauty of my organization.

44. On average, how many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Gad. I look at myself every time I get a chance. Probably 100. Maybe more. 500?

45. Are you religious? If not, do you have a favorite religion?
I used to be religious. In a sense that I really had no idea what was going on (not that it's any better now). I was born into a very traditional Roman Catholic family. I was baptized as a baby. I grew up going to church everyday. My mom was a Sunday school teacher and I became one of the head alter servers at my church, working closely with our pastor (heh heh). But I spent my childhood reading the talmud in korean, going to Buddhist temples in the mountains, talking to monks, and reading Chinese philosophy. My dad's side of the family was entirely Buddhist and I considered myself as to be Catholic Buddhist growing up. After coming to the U.S. and walking away from Catholicism, I found myself spending most of my time with the Jews. So I guess at the moment, they're my favorite! Besides, who can say no to FREE latkas after playing Hava Nagila for over an hour???

Religion is no good. We should seek out intelligence, and continue to ask questions, probing ever deeper into the mysterious of the universe. Religion often stops us from answering the question, let alone asking the questions! If I believe in anything, I believe that universities should be seen as the holy temples of our world, where the most wonderful questions are asked...

46. What one quality do you seek in a friend?
I don't. I seek a scary amount of qualities from a friend. One quality is worthless if he or she does not possess the others. I am ruthless in choosing friends. It's sickening.

47. Have you ever killed an animal?
Yes. The most memorable one was when I accidentally killed off two of my turtles. I had a rather large sized tank in my living room with 2 baby sized turtles. One day I was playing with them, moving around the large black stones inside the tank. Somehow the entire pile of stones fell on the two baby turtles. I assumed they would be okay with their hard shells, but hours later my grandma told me that they had died from getting crushed. I felt bad. But not as bad as eating meat on everyday basis. Which is not much different from going out there and killing an animal with your bare hands.  If you think it's any different, then you're just lying to yourself.

48. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
At 12?  A world class pianist conductor. Story was different when I was maybe 6 or 7... at that point, I told everyone that I wanted to be a dad. Then at some point I became obsessed with police cars, and wanted to become a police officer. After that I had a fascination with airplanes and becoming a pilot. Now I don't want to do any of the three I just mentioned. Luckily by 12 I knew exactly what I wanted. At that time I had read a biography of Bernstein where he instantly became my hero. Soon after I went to the concert that changed my life. Music as we all know is a sweet slavery.

49. Do you believe in an afterlife?
Not in the way I used to... I believe that my body will become part of the Earth once again, many parts reliving the journey of life through being eaten and absorbed by other living things. But of course I'll most likely join you all when we get fried up by the sun and turn into hydrogen atoms. Doesn't matter though, because we'll float through the space until we drop on another rock to become living creatures. We all come from the same place and we all go back to the same place. You and I are ultimately the same. I've no clue if we have a "spirit" or if we'll go anywhere even if we did. I don't "believe" in anything. Believing in something is the same as jumping off the cliff for an invisible rope 3 ft away. At least that's my take. :/ Then again, we are here, aren't we... and that's pretty unbelievable...

50. What do you want in the remaining years of your life?
First and foremost I want to become a formidable interpreter of the greatest masterworks.  I want to produce music that speaks and penetrates the listener. I want to be a respected teacher and an inspiring leader. I want to have the most beautiful baton technique to mesmerize not only the musicians but also the audience. I want to BE the music. I want to be able to program a Mahler symphony without worrying about the level of music making. I want to be able to conduct top tier orchestras regularly. I want to bring in many new listeners, but not in a cheapening way... I want to inspire young musicians and help them hone in their artistry. I want to have my own youth symphony of talented students. I want to make love to life through music in any way I please.  I want to be on the top of it all.

I want to be financially stable.  Not because I want hot cars for myself but because I am sick and tired of seeing my family face crisis after crisis. I want to end their pain and suffering. I am sick of being numb to their troubles. I want to change the current norm. I want to find a new home for them and help them live a life they deserve. I want top treatment for my brother and the best doctors. If my family were doing well, then I could finally let go and have a peace of mind. But until that day comes I know I'll suffer with them everyday little by little.

I want to be able to have the time and money to explore. At any moment, I want to be able to call up a few of my friends and suggest that we get packed and leave for Alaska in 2 days or go backpacking in the grand canyon this weekend. And if they can't afford it, I want to be able to pay for them. There have been way too many instances in the past few years where some of my best friends were left off the trip because they could not afford it. I too am often in that situation, but I make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen. I want to have the equipments... I want the bikes, kayaks, surfboards, backpacking gear all ready to go, so that at any moment I feel the need, I can go quench my thirst in mother nature.

I want to continue building my music library. I want to hold music parties, where we not only read through chamber music, but also listen to new and old recordings, staying up all night arguing about the incompetence of Herbert Von Karajan.

I want to be able to live old enough until commercial space traveling is available. I want to go above the Earth's atmospheres, I want to stare into the distance with Also Sprach Zarathustra blastin' out in the back...

I want to be relatively fluent in German. I want to go study in Germany for a year or two, experiencing their culture, absorbing all the music they have to offer.

I want season tickets to the Los Angeles Lakers. In section 200s. No ifs, no buts. This is happening.

Then I want to be frozen right before I die. So that they can bring me back to life in 200 years when they finally have the technology to do so. That way I can read this entry in year 2273 with tears in my eyes listening to the same old Mozart Requiem.

MAKING A PACT

2008-12-11T07:31:45Z

I am making a pact right here on my blog. This is a public pact I am making with myself. I am going to stop overeating each meal. Once in awhile, I'll go out and eat with my friends, and that's fine... but I am going to STOP overeating when I am cooking for myself, whether it's the only meal of the day or not. Junk food needs to be cut in half, and I will say no to Tracy when she lures me in with "aww anthony let's go to micky deeees!" (sorry twathie). I'm also going to make an effort to eat at least twice a day. And lastly, I'm going running with Justin as much as I can.

I'm feelin' like shit and I'm also looking worse than ever before. I am bound for a stroke or a heart attack SOON. So this madness has GOT to stop. This starts NOW.

I want to remember this...

2008-12-09T03:13:19Z

There's really no purpose to this entry except that I want to express my total complete happiness right now. Yes. I am smiling as I'm writing this entry.

The quarter ended on a truly high note this week.

I worked on my bibliography essay all night last night and all day today with almost no sleep. I raced like a madman to finish the damn thing on time. Well I did. I finished it right on the dot at 4 PM and turned it into Professor Hsu at the music department christmas party which was really really wonderful. The atmosphere was really great and all the people that I love from the department were there too. I couldn't stop smiling, I was SO giddy. All the non-sleep I had added up and somehow I was in a trance-like state of euphoria. Everyone kept laughing at me because I couldn't stop smiling. LOL.

The orchestra concert the other night went splendidly well, especially the Mendelssohn symphony. I'm beginning to think it was the best concert we gave since I've been at UCSB. Our string quartet gave a performance at the chamber music recital, which went relative well and my jury went relatively well too. I just love playing the Schubert B-flat. The more I play it, the more fulfilling it becomes. There's something about this piece that I cannot describe. I can only feel it when I'm playing it and it is simply glorious. I feel warm and protected whenever I play. What a strange but wonderful feeling it is!

It's been a truly fun quarter, by far my favorite of all I've had here. It was also the busiest quarter I've had. I love being a TA and working with the students in the conducting class as well as the students in the orchestra. Working with Richard has been wonderful this year, and Dr. Asche too has been very kind to me.

Academically, my life here in Santa Barbara has a wonderful balance right now. I am pleased with the way things are going. I just wished that things on my personal end would improve. When things aren't well, it's impossible to ever relax and enjoy it all. But that wasn't true today. The reason why I'm writing this entry is because for 2 hours today at the music department party, I really felt total happiness and I could NOT stop smiling. I was truly in a state of euphoria laughing and smiling with my friends. It was really great. I haven't felt like that since maybe high school. It felt as though everything was going my way, the way I intended it to. Everything I worked for was going in place and it felt completely satisfying. I absolutely love being busy, if I'm busy doing things I love. This quarter was ALL about conducting, playing piano, playing violin with my string quartet, researching on history of orchestras and conducting, and teaching piano, violin, and conducting. I could do this for another century and I would not complain.

I haven't written on my blog yet about my new job. But I've been asked to become the conductor for a local community orchestra called the South Coast Reading Orchestra. It is mostly made up of retired musicians and number of professionals. Many of them are doctors from what I understand. And the guy who used to run the orchestra is moving to Arkansas, so he simply gave me the orchestra to run as the general manager. So it is officially my OWN orchestra! I am so excited to start and I've already recruited some new people. The orchestra has about 25 member now, and I'd like to get it up to about 40 and fill in all the missing holes. Katie Waltman has agreed to play the violin as well as Tracy Hsu. So I know I have at least a first violin stand I can trust. I won't know about the final roster until the first rehearsal which will take place in mid January. I am very excited as this is my first true conducting position outside of assisting Dr. Rintoul with the university orchestra. I've been exchanging emails with members of the orchestra in the last one week and they seem to be the most wonderful people on Earth. They've welcomed me with open arms (at least on their emails) and I can already tell it's going to be a wonderful experience.

I don't want the winter break to start. I am going to miss school terribly. That is how much I love the people in our music department.

Apparently I'm in the holiday greetings card for the music faculty this year... what an adorable card... oh winter in Southern California...

MY FAVORITE CEREAL OF ALL TIME!

2008-11-04T10:18:06Z

omgwtfbbqroflmao$#%#$@&^$%#&$^*&%@$!!!!!!!

2008-10-26T09:55:39Z

Once you go Abbado, you never go back...

2008-10-25T19:27:03Z

After you listen to Solti for awhile, it's hard to go back and listen to the other sloppy conductors. You get used to his scary good precision. And it's not only that I love it, but after listening to bunch of slobfests, you end up really APPRECIATING Solti. There's something about his sound... Szell is just as precise as Solti (if not better), but his recordings tend to sound cold. Solti's sound is always inviting and SO full of life. There's so much brilliance and power in the Chicago sound, not just in the brass section but with the strings as well. I LOVE that initial attack on Solti's sound. There's that good BITE to his sound without having it sound too aggressive. He's really got it down to a science. I still remember watching the news back in 7th grade when they announced Solti's death. That's how I met him... why is it that all my favorites are long gone? Abbado is quickly becoming my favorite. Actually I think he IS my favorite now. I was sure MTT was my favorite living conductor for a couple years, but I think I'm going to have to unseat Mr. Thomas. The combination of Italian blood and Viennese training has me convinced that Abbado is perhaps the greatest conductor and interpreter of all time. Anything he touches ends up being GOLD. His versatility is unrivaled, his sense of style and temperament cannot be improved upon. I just love how Italian he is when it comes to taking his time, juicing EVERY drop out of a phrase. You gotta love that. I am ALL for cheese.

Painting by Norman Perryman

I'm having the best quarter at UCSB. There are still issues with the paperwork, but on the academic side of things I couldn't be more satisfied. I am busier than ever before, I really think this is the busiest quarter I've had in terms of schedule. I am literally booked ENTIRE week except Friday which I leave open for my private students. I'm TAing two courses this quarter; university orchestra and the orchestral conducting course. Last week I taught my first conducting class. I had a BLAST, we were laughing and learning the entire time. It's the first year conducting course for the music majors, and we use the Max Rudolf book as a reference. It has to be the most exciting class offered at this university, even more exciting than the ball room dance class!

I'm sitting principal second violin this year in the orchestra, this is my first time NOT playing the melody in YEARS. It's a strange move I tell ya after years of playing the melody in the 1st. But I think this will only help my conducting because now I'm able to listen more carefully sitting in middle of all the chaos. I'm being bombarded with conducting assignments this quarter. I began studying the Mendelssohn Reformation Symphony about a month ago, I'm finally around to getting comfortable with it. I think I'll began conducting the university orchestra in rehearsals in a week or two. I cannot wait, we're sounding half way decent this year! This week I'm starting on the Schumann Rhenish and Vaughan Williams "The Wasps". I have to work with the SB Youth Symphony in 2 weeks on the Schumann and Richard invited me to come conduct his orchestra at the Colburn School also in two weeks. It'll be great, both of the orchestras play in SUCH great halls. The SB Youth Symphony is now at the Hahn Hall at the Music Academy of the West, and the Colburn orchestra is at the Zipper Hall, which is where Deutsche Grammophon records their L.A. recordings.

The newest addition to my music making this year is the Nova String Quartet. No, we did not name ourselves--Professor Rutkowski did. Tracy and I are manning the violins, Alex Chang on the viola and Aaron Bullard on the cello. It's been a lot of fun. We're working on Schubert's Rosamunde quartet this quarter. It is such a beautiful work. And as much I love playing in the quartet, it's a lot of work on top of my piano solo works and my conducting assignments. It doesn't help that I spent at least 10-15 hours preparing for my bibliography class each week. But I'm not complaining because I LOVE Professor Hsu. We used to call her "Empress Hsu" back in the day... and she REALLY is! She knows just about everything about... EVERYTHING. I've never met a more brilliant woman in my life! Luckily I love the research topics I'm working on for this class. This past week I had to write about all the major biographies of Mahler. The more I researched, the more I came to hate Alma Mahler. Mainly for the fact that she distorted so much of the history on Mahler. Then I ran into her again while reading Burton's Bernstein's bio last night. Apparently she even made a pass at Lenny! She was in her 70s!!!

Schubert's B-flat major sonata is one of the most rewarding pieces I've ever worked on. I used to dislike the last 2 movements. I take it back. I love them too now. :)

Strange visitors...

2008-10-18T21:03:11Z

Last night several of my friends and I gathered to celebrate the first day of my 24th year (or would that be 25th?) and as we were getting drunk listening to Messiaen's Turangalîla-Symphonie, right outside the window a bunch of different birds showed up and started to sing along. It was a strange occurrence because according to Cornelius, birds NEVER show up outside his window, let alone past midnight! We sat there amazed at their chirping, we joked that perhaps that was Messiaen's spirit that came back to visit us in form of a bird. That certainly was the highlight of the day.